My work habits are a follows: I work as hard as I can for a month, and then the following month I crash. This on-again-off-again work habit yields some incredible accomplishments, but also means that I go through cycles of Herculean creative production, punctuated by periods of complete inactivity. I expressed this to my girlfriend who looked at me sadly and told me that I would never fit in a traditional workplace.
I am trying to take steps to have a more sustainable workflow. I want to write, exercise, work, and eat well. I look at my calendar for hours and try to figure out a way that I can fit everything in. I have a novel to write, I have friends to meet, and I have a 40-hour work week that feeds me. I’ve taken up smoking again, which in times of heightened movement and stress feels like a good decision. Smoking allows me to step away from a moment and do something without really doing something.
This work schedule is something that I find difficult to escape. My obsessive personality is part of my creative process, so I don’t think I can just suddenly become level headed and balanced in the way that I accomplish tasks. I find that if I work at a steady, measured pace, I begin to crave chaos. I will intentionally sabotage my work in order to throw myself back into panic. Because it is within changing landscapes and uncertainty that I feel the most alive.
My girlfriend and I have discussed purchasing an Xbox or beginning to exercise on a regular basis to try and work through some of this manic energy. However, I think that if this is how I was built and if this id how I have functioned for the greater part of my life, perhaps it is time to accept that and to create around the schedule that my boy and mind seems to naturally gravitate towards.